banjaxedmdt's Blog a.k.a Blog to the Future

Snow... part Nine point 1 (and point two too). THE END (eventually)!!!

2008-06-20T19:13:00Z

Jesus, complaints, that's all I get. "Oh I wish you'd stop writing this story," "Oh I wish you'd carry on writing this story," never bloody satisfied that's your problem. Well here you are, and I don't want any more moaning that there isn't enough of it (or that it's too long!).

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Nine Point One - The Epilogue (?)

After many hours the group had finally explained the situation to Agatha and asked if she could cure Snow Various-shades-of-grey of her continuous anti-waking predicament.

"There is one way to cure her," said Agatha, "but it requires one or two special items."
"Like what?" asked Grumpy.
"If they're expensive you can forget it." said Doc with a worried look on his face.
"Oh I see," said Dozy, "mind the steep."

Grumpy looked for his shovel.

"To wake the girl I needs the Eternal flame of burning firery stuff." said Agatha waving her arms
about dramatically.
"What's that then?" asked Mick.
"It's a magical torch that has burned constantly since the dawn of time. Some says it was lit by the
almighty deity-of-insert-religion-here him/herself."
"Okay then, what else d'you need?"
"I needs..." She began, pausing for dramatic effect (and to build her part).
"Yes?" They all stepped forward with anticipation.
"I needs..."
"YES?"
"I needs a turnip." She said at last.
"A turnip?"
"Oh yes, very important is a turnip. Can't do the spell without it."
"Just a bog standard turnip?" said Doc.
"No of course not," said Agatha rolling her eyes (one of them quite literally - she had removed it and was rolling it round her hand to clean it), "it must be a..." she paused for more dramatic effect, "it must be a humorously shaped turnip."
"You want us to get a funny shaped turnip?" said Grumpy disappointedly.
"No a humorously shaped turnip, you know a rude one preferably shaped like a..."
"Yes I understand." Grumpy cut in irately. "Any other rubbish you need fer this spell of yours?"
"Yes. Lots of luck."
"No chance of that." mumbled Mick to himself.
Bert started ticking more rapidly in his corner.
"Right," said Grumpy, "Sneezy an' Mick, you two can go an' get this Eternal flaming thingy.
Beaky, you take Bert."
"Take 'im where?"
"Just take 'im anywhere where I don't 'ave ta listen to 'is infernal tickin'. Titch, you an' Dozy go an' find this 'ere turnip. The rest of us'll 'ave a nice cup of herbal."

The Quest for the Eternal flaming thingy Part One of One.

Agatha had given Sneezy and Mick directions to the cave where they would find the magical torch and after a few hours and thirty two seconds they had arrived.

"Looks like this is the place." said Mick.

They both looked up at the sign above the entrance to the cave:

Eternal Flame of burning firey stuff - enter here - please mind the life threatening traps.

"Could be." said Sneezy.

The two anti-tall persons sat outside the cave for a while discussing their plan of action. It was
eventually decided that Sneezy, having spent many years working in the powder room at the
factory, would be better at sneaking past the death dealing traps that lined the cave due to his ability to sneak out of the factory for a *** at any time without Grumpy noticing. Mick, having worked as a porter for several years, was used to standing about for hours on end doing nothing so he was to stay at the entrance to the cave in order to get help should anything fatal happen to Sneezy.

Sneezy worked his way into the dusty cave and through several tunnels containing a variety of
ingenious and very lethal traps. The diminutive person finally reached an excessively scaled cavern at the centre of which stood... (dum dum dum) a rock. On top of the rock stood... (even more dramatic DUM DUM DUM!!!) The Eternal Flame Of Burning Fiery Stuff.

Sneezy called back through the caves to Mick.

"I've found it."
"Good bring it back here."
"Okay."

Sneezy made his way down to the rock on which the magic torch stood. He could feel the powerful energy emanating from the flame. carefully he took the torch.

"AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccchhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"
"What?" said Mick from outside.
"Umm, Mick, you got any matches on ya?" asked Sneezy.

The Quest to remove Bert the Metro-Gnome from Grumpys sight Part A.

Beaky took Bert outside and they made their way back home. Bert ticked slightly as they walked.

"Touchy bloke isn't he?" said Bert.

The Quest for the funny, er, I mean humorously shaped Turnip Part One of One.

Titch and Dozy walked for many hours and twenty minutes through the forest until they were
ambushed.

"Stop right there!" shouted a minute voice.
"Don't move or we'll do ya." cried another.

Suddenly the ambushers made themselves visible. Pixies. Before Titch and Dozy stood around a dozen pixies.

"Ahh, innay cute." said Dozy.
"Cute? Cute? You ***." screeched the lead pixie. "How dare you use the C word. We're not cute. We're vicious murderous thugs hellbent on destruction. We're not CUTE we're well 'ard bastards and no mistake."
"I'm glad we got that sorted out before we made some awkward mistake." said Titch edging
backwards.
"Not so fast. We know your sort. You're factory workers aren't you?"
"Yup." Said Dozy before Titch could stop him.
"Well that's all right then, my brother Dave used to work in a factory." said the lead pixie, "Let me introduce my band of terrorists here. I'm Dave, over there is Dave next to him is Dave, he's my second in command. This here is my wife David and my daughter Dave..."
"Um, excuse me for interrupting, but are you all called Dave?" asked Titch.
"Yes, It's a curious thing. Pixies have a tradition of naming their offspring after the father.
Eventually this meant that everyone was named Dave and so we just carry on naming our children Dave."
"I see." said Titch.
"It's a miracle. I can see too." shouted Dozy excitedly.

Titch started to think whether it was too late to start introducing new characters to the story but decided, foolishly, that the author new what he was doing. He explained to the band of Daves what had happened in the story so far up to the point where they had met Agatha and was then forced to tell the rest of the story because the Daves didn't think he had left off in a satisfactory place.

"Being as we're a band of cruel bloodthirsty anarchists we'll be glad to help you find your
vegetable. In fact there is a field not far from here." said Dave.
"Yes," said Dave, "I do believe they grow turnips there."
"Let's go." cried David.

The two below height persons and the even less than average height Daves made their way through the forest until they reached the edge of a ploughed field.

"Here we are." said Dave.
"Okay lads, each of you take a section of field. Let's find ourselves a turnip."

For several hours, fifteen minutes, and twenty seconds, the Daves, Titch, and Dozy searched the field (well the Daves and Titch did, Dozy just sat and made mud pies). All of a sudden the silence was broken harshly by a horrendous boom.

"Incoming!!!" shouted Dave.
"What?" cried Titch.
"Cor look what I've made." said Dozy. "You want some?"
A large hole containing an equally large cannon ball appeared at Titchs feet.
"Bloody Place-of-eternal-damnation!!!" screeched Titch. "What's goin' on?"
"Under attack. Farmers seen us." said Dave.

A deep voice boomed from the distance.

"NAFF ORF MOI LAND YA THEIVIN' BUGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"It's a pie, you wanna bit?" asked Dozy.
There was another loud boom followed by another large hole.
"There must be an easier way to plough a field." said Titch ducking.
"Retreat." shouted Dave.

The gang ran until they realised they were running toward the cannon, then stopped, regrouped, and ran the other way. Moments later they found themselves in a farmyard surrounded by sheds and barns.

"Quick in here." said a Dave (it was difficult to say which in all the excitement).
They all rushed into the shed an shut the door firmly behind them.
"HUHS EE?" asked Dozy with a mouthful of pie.
"What?" said Dave.
"I think he said who's he?" said Titch translating.

They all turned to see a chimp sitting in the corner holding a broom.

"OO OO." said the chimp.

Hmm, thought Titch, not another character introduced at this late stage in the story. What's wrong with the author?

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Nine Point Two - Son of The Epilogue (?)

Back at Agatha the Whats house the rest of the diminutive persons and The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince were enjoying a horrible cup of herbal tea. The first cup had been very nice but that was about seventeen cups ago and it was starting to get a bit much.

"Where are they? What's keepin' 'em?" said Grumpy grumpily.

Almost as if on cue the door burst open.

"AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhh!!!" said Sneezy and Mick, forgetting about the STEEP.
"'Bout time too." said Grumpy.

The door burst open again.

"AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!" said Titch and Dozy, also
forgetting the STEEP.
"At last," said Grumpy, "now they're all..."
"AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!" said the Daves not forgetting about the STEEP because they didn't know about it in the first place.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" said the chimp as it also managed to find the gap
between the ground and the other ground.
"What the Place-of-eternal-damnation's goin' on 'ere?" said Grumpy.
"Who're they?" asked Doc.

Titch introduced them.

"They are Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, David, Dave, and Dave.
That's Dozy, and that there is a chimp."
"Wunsumpah?" asked Dozy.
"Wha's 'e say?"
"He wants to know if you want some pie. If you've got any sense you'll say no." said Titch.
"Did you get the pieces for the spell?" asked Agatha impatiently.
"Umm... Sort of." said Sneezy.
"Umm... Yes, us too." said Titch.
"Meaning?"
Sneezy held up the torch.
"What's that?"
"Looks like a stick with a charred end." said Prince.
"It's not..." said Agatha in shock.
"Well it was very dusty in that cave and it was dark..."
"So you decided in your infinite wisdom to put out the only light you had!" said Doc.
"What about you. Tell me you got the turnip." said Agatha looking toward Titch.
"Not exactly."
"What d'you mean not exactly."
"Well by that I mean not at all. But we did get the next best thing."
"Which is?" She said beginning to get annoyed.
"That." said Titch pointing to the chimp.
"That is a chimp with a broom."
"Ahh but look more closely." said Titch. "Don't you see? It's a vegetable, can't even talk properly, and just look at those ears. If anything is humorously shaped its his ears."
"Right so instead of the magic torch and a turnip I've got to work with a burnt stick and a chimp." said Agatha slumping in her chair. "You see that bottle of pills on the shelf over there?"
"Yes." said Grumpy.
"Give the girl two of those an' she'll be fine."
"You mean we could have given her those all along?"
"Yes, but I so much wanted to do the spell. Haven't done a big spell like that fer ages."

They fed the pills to Snow and moments later she was awake.

"Thank you everyone. Boy, if it wasn't for my mushroom shaped heart defect that poison may not have affected me so badly and I might not have slept for so long. Erm, who are they?"

They explained to Snow what had happened while she had been unconscious, and made their plans to deal with Elvira. Luckily they had a crack troop of Daves on their side to help them in battle. Plans made, the band of physically reduced persons put their attack into action. Under cover of darkness they severe weathered the castle and entered via a convenient sewage outlet that also doubled as an infiltrators inlet.

"Be careful everyone," said Grumpy, "there could be rats down here, maybe even some estate
agents and politicians too. If anything tries to sell you a semi-detached in convenient walking
distance of the city centre step on it."

They eventually made their way safely out of the tunnels with only a minor attempted mortgage
sale. The first part of the plan was complete and after a quick discussion it was decided that they should have made further parts to the plan before they started.

"Well what're we gonna do now then?" said Doc.
"I've got pie if'n anyone wants some." Replied Dozy covered in mud.
"Reckon it'd be a good idea to get this 'ere lady to 'er father an' explain whats been goin' on."
suggested Dave.
"Sounds good to me." said Grumpy.

Deep in the ground below them the magic mirror was facing a predicament.
"If I want to brush my hair or have a shave," he said, "what am I 'sposed to look in to do it. Can't very well look in a mirror can I?"
"Don't ask stupid questions." said Elvira. "You don't shave."
"No I don't. That's what I was just saying. I can't shave because I can't see what I'm doing."
"I mean you don't shave because you don't have hair."
"Well how am I supposed to know that, I've never seen myself have I?"
"Haven't you got something more useful to say?" said Elvira.
"I guess I could tell you about the group of physically concise people that are sneaking your step daughter into the castle. But I have my own problems to deal with. I mean if I could see myself to shave, how could I hold the razor without hands? Huh? Huh? Tell me that miss smarty pants.
Elvira? Hello?"
Elvira had gone.

Meanwhile the brief statured army had found the King alone in his throne room. They all waited
outside until they heard him flush and then they entered.

"Your elevatedness," said Grumpy, "we have brought your daughter back to you."
"Who...?" started the King.
"IT'S ALL A LIE" Cried Elvira as she burst through the door.
"No it's not," said Snow Various-shades-of-grey, "I am his daughter."
"I meant everything else that they said." Said Elvira catching her breath (her breathing was quite heavy and she almost dropped it).
"Erm they haven't actually said anything else yet." said the King.
"Oh, am I early? I'll just wait outside a second." and with that Elvira left the room.
"Right, now would you mind telling me who in miscellaneous-deity-of-insert-religion-here you all
are?" said the King.
"This is Snow Various-shades-of-grey and she is your daughter..."
"I meant apart from her."
"Oh sorry." said Doc.

They spent a good few hours, and ten minutes, explaining parts one to nine of the story. The King scratched his head and asked them to carry on because he thought, wrongly, that part nine wasn't a good enough ending to the story and so they skilfully bodged together the rest of the events that had lead them to him.

"IT'S ALL A LIE!" cried Elvira as she burst through the door again. "Erm...I'm not too early again am I? Only it was beginning to drag on a bit. I thought they should have left it at part nine myself."
"It all seems very plausible to me." said the King.
"Quick someone, get a psychiatrist, The King's gone funny in the 'ead." shouted Mick.
"I think you should both shake hands and make up." said the King to Elvira and Snow.
"This isn't quite the ending I was expecting." said Dave disappointedly.

Elvira and Snow shook hands.

Elvira had jealousy management counselling for many months afterward and has now given up her misunderstood ways.

Snow Various-shades-of-grey grew to be great friends with Elvira, and they often go on long
camping trips together in the mountains. There they play a curious game of survival hide and seek where Elvira takes all the food and camping equipment and hides while Snow spends the next few weeks trying to find her and stay alive at the same time. Fun huh!

Grumpy, Doc, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Titch, all still work for the same cosmetics company deep in the forest, where they also found a job for the chimp. They still remain in contact with Snow, although Snow doesn't remain in contact with them.

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, David, Dave, and Dave, still fight
for freedom and occasionally ransack farmers fields containing genetically misshapen vegetables. Dave has just had a baby son which he has named Dave.

Bert the Metro-gnome returned to his job in France, but became disillusioned with the work three months later. He now works for a new communications company as a ticking clock. People can now phone up and count the ticks for every second of the day.

The Three Invisible Bears still meet up at other peoples homes and often visit the local pub.

The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince has once again left the country to
tour far off places. Everyone wished him well except those who knew him.

Agatha the What is still practising magic and has recently opened up a tea garden outside her home. Visitors are reminded to: KEEP OFF THE GROSS AND PLEASE USE THE BEANS
PROVIDED!

The Magic Mirror is currently serving seven years for bad luck.

THE END. (For good this time, I don't want any more complaints)

(No I mean it. Shove off)

Snow... Part Nine (The conclusion before the end).

2008-05-28T20:44:00Z

Right that's quite enough of that thank you very much. This lunacy ends here and now...

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive stature. Part Nine.

In the darkness of the cottage belonging to the Seven persons of diminutive stature it was silent. The silence was eventually broken by a gruff voice.

"Have they gone?"
"Yes, I think so." said a second.
"Sure?" said the first.
"Yes they came back again momentarily but they've gone for good this time." said the second
gravelly voice.
"Thank Miscellaneous-religious-icon for that," said a third voice, "They want rehabilitating back
into society for their own good they do. I reckon they all suffer from severe psychological issues."
"Probably too much of that herbal tea." said the first voice.
"Right who's for a pint then?" asked the second.

The Three Invisible Bears left the cottage and went down the pub.

In the distance was the sound of a gnome ticking. In the distance beyond the first distance, a wolf howled as he was attacked by a girl wearing a red cloak. But that, as they say, is another story...

Good night kiddies. Sleep well.

THE END (?)

Snow... Part Eight (aka. the filler episode)

2008-04-04T15:38:00Z

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Eight.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrghhhhh!!!" said the Huntsperson
as he/she continued falling.
"CcccccccccccccccrrrrrrrrrrrrrooooooooooooooSPLATTT!!!!!!" said the frog as it stopped falling.

Coming soon Part Nine (where something might actually happen):
Will... oh whats the point?
I mean it's not as if you really care anyway.
I could just write anything in this bit and you wouldn't know.
.erac t'ndluow uoy dna sdrawkcab gniht elohw eht gnitirw trats dluoc I

Snow... Part seven (better never than late)

2008-03-07T22:42:00Z

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Seven.

Before we begin it is with great sadness that we must apologise for a grave error on our part. It has come to our attention that in part four the sentence:

"Once inside they managed to manhandle her up the stairs and into bed."

appeared in this story. This should be altered to read:

"Once inside they managed to personhandle her up the stairs and into bed."

We apologise again for any mental scarring this may have caused to the kiddies reading this and the persons responsible for this mishap have been duly sacked. Thank you for your time and patience. We now return you to the babblings of a madman:

Er, I am sorry to intrude yet again but it has come to our attention that the word madman was used in the former paragraph. The sentence should read:

"We now return you to the babblings of a madperson:"

Those involved in the sacking of the previous persons have now been sacked. Again we apologise for any disturbance caused to your fragile minds and once again return you to the story:

"Bugger," said Elvira, "none of this would have happened if that flaimin' Huntsperson had done
his/her job."
"Just can't find quality bloodthirsty staff these days." replied the mirror. Elvira cast her mind back to the day the Huntsperson had returned to the castle with news of Snows death.
There now follows an interesting flashback sequence to fill us in on a scene in the story that the author completely forgot to write until now (phew that gets me out of that).

"Your long-distance-above-the-ground-ness." said the Huntsperson bowing politely.
"Is she dead?" asked Elvira impatiently.
"Erm, yes, indeed she is. In no uncertain terms. Oh yes she's quite dead. Really she is. No doubt about it. Dead." said the Huntsperson thinking that he/she might just have got away with it with a piece of skilled lying.
"Show me the heart then."
"Here it is your majesty." He said holding a lumpy object before him.
"What's this?"
"Heart."
"No it's not. This is a mushroom." said Elvira angrily.
"No it’s definitely her heart."
"Why does it look like a mushroom then?"
"Er, well maybe she had a unusual heart condition." That would explain it he thought. Nice
thinking.
"A strange heart condition that makes your heart look just like a mushroom?"
"Yes."
"You're sacked. Get out."
"Oh, er, wait a sec, what a fool I've been, that was a mushroom afterall," said the Huntsperson
thinking quickly, "Here's the heart, it was in my pocket all along."
"CROAK." said the frog.
"That is a frog." said Elvira. "You're still sacked, get out."
"No really it's not a frog it's aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!" said the Huntsperson as he/she fell through the trapdoor.
"Croooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkk!!!!!!!" said the frog.
"Just can't find the staff these days." said Elvira.

Wibble, Wibble, Wibble (end of flashback).

Meanwhile back at the seven diminutive persons cottage Snow Various-shades-of-grey had fallen into a deep sleep again for no apparent reason.
"Right we can't keep going on like this." said Grumpy.
"I agree," said Doc, "we'll have to find some way to cure the girl."
"When I stayed in Africa once there was a senior citizen aged male who had a cure for..." started Prince.
"No," said Grumpy, "we need a cure that'll cure her."
"I've got it." said Beaky.
"Everyone stand back," said Grumpy, "Beaky's got it too."
"No," said Beaky, "I mean I know who can cure her of her thingy."
"Who?"
"We can take her to Past-young Agatha deep in the forest."
"You don't mean..?"
"Yes, we could take her to see Agatha deep in the forest."
"Okay," said Grumpy, "I can't think of nothin' better. Let's go."

The group walked deep into the forest carrying Snow between them. After what seemed like an
hour and fifty nine minutes and thirty seconds, but which was actually only an hour and fiftynine minutes, they reached an eerie clearing among the learning difficulties trees. An owl hooted in the darkness adding much needed atmosphere. In the centre of the clearing stood, or maybe sat (it was difficult to tell in the light available), a rickety cottage not too dissimilar to the one they had left behind exactly one hour and fifty nine minutes ago.

"You silly arse Beaky. This is our place. I thought you knew where you was goin'." grumbled
Grumpy.

They continued on their journey for what seemed like another hour, but which was only sixty
minutes, until they arrived at yet another clearing. Another owl hooted to make them feel at home. This time they had indeed arrived at the home of Agatha.

In the darkness they could make out a cottage that was not theirs. Mick noticed a sign nailed
roughly to a tree beside them.

"Look guys, there's a sign 'ere written in bats blood."
"Wha's it say?"
They all read the sign which read:

AGATHA THE WHAT? PLEASE MIND THE STEEP AND BEWARE OF THE
DUG!!!

"Bloody place-of-eternal-damnation," Said Doc, "What good's she gonna be if'n she don't know
who she is? Silly moo can't even spell proper. Mind the STEEP and beware of the DUG?"
"She's a bit eccentric but I've 'eard she know's 'er stuff." said Grumpy.
"I knew a guy who could cure eccentricity." said Prince.
"She don't need curin', she's the one as is doin' the curin'."
"Hang on, Mick, 'ow'd you know it's written in bats blood then?" Asked Doc
"Well I don't really but I thought that the dead bat over there with the paint brush stickin' out of it might've been a clue."

They all stepped up to the front door. Grumpy knocked.

"C'mon in." said a creaky voice from inside.
"Okay," said Grumpy, "you 'eard, an’ remember the step."

They all piled in through the door.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!" they cried as they fell.

Moments later when they had all recovered from the fall Doc shot to his feet.

"What the place-of-eternal-damnation was that."

There ahead of them stood Agatha.

"What was what?" She asked.
"Well, that!" He replied pointing up the twenty or so feet to the front door. "I was expecting
a...aaaaargggh!!"

The others helped Doc out of the pit he had just fallen in.

"And," he continued, "What was that?"
"Bleedin' Nora," Said Agatha, "There's a big enough sign outside can't you lot read?"
"We saw the sign that said mind the step." said Grumpy.
"Step? Step? It don't say mind the step." Said Agatha agitated." It says mind the STEEP, as in the steep bleedin' drop inside the front door."
"I see," said Grumpy, "but where's the dog?"
"Dog? Dog? I ain't got no dog."
"Well it says on the sign..."
"No it don't. The sign says BEWARE OF THE DUG! As in the hole dug in the floor that yer mate just fell in. I don't know, you put's a sign up to help people an' they don't take a blind bit of notice. I'm just wastin' my time..." Agatha continued mumbling to herself.
"A'wright," started Doc, "why does it say “AGATHA THE WHAT?” on the sign outside?"
"Cos that's me yer daft bugger. It's no good me puttin' somebody elses name on the door or I'd
never get me post now, would I?"
"I meant what's the what?"
"What?"
"Agatha the what?"
"Yes." said Agatha.
"What is the what on the sign?" said Doc gettin' rather frustrated.
"What what?"
"The what after your name."
"Oh I see. You wants to make yerself clearer in future laddy."
"Well?" said Doc still waiting.
"Yes thank you. I get this twinge occasionally but..."
"I meant you still haven't explained the what."
"What?" said Agatha.
"Oh don't start all that again." said Grumpy. "Doc wants to know why you call yerself Agatha the What."
"I see." She leaned over to Grumpy and said quietly behind her hand. "Fella's none to bright is 'e? Can't form a coherent sentence." Agatha eased herself into a nearby chair.
"I'm not allowed to trade under the headin' of Witch cos I failed the entrants exam to the Witches guild so I calls meself a What. Means I wont get sued for false advertisin'. Now that's cleared up what do you want?"

Coming soon, Part Eight (oh my god NO!!! will this madness never end?):
Can Doc calm himself down?
Can they find a cure for Snows problem with consciousness?
Can they find a way to get rid of the prince safely before he attempts to cure something himself?
Can I please hurry up and finish this story as it is now evolved beyond a joke and has now become an obsession?
Can somebody help me please?
I mean it, HELP?
HELP ME (sob)!!
It's never going to end is it?
I'm going to end up writing this bloody thing for the rest of my life because I don't know how it
ends, aren't I?
Somebody answer me please!
It's lonely here...
... and dark.
I think there's rats...

...

what was that noise?
hello?
is there somebody there?
hello...

Snow... Part 6 of 1 half a dozen of the other.

2007-12-03T15:29:00Z

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Six.

The Seven persons of diminutive stature, The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-
Prince, and Bert all rushed upstairs to the bedroom. On the floor in a big heap lay Snow Variousshades-of-grey rubbing her head and mumbling under her breath.

"Snow! Yer awake." cried the group.
"Yes but I've got a lousy headache." She replied.
"I know a good cure for headaches." Prince said.
"Really? Hang on. Who is he?" She said pointing to Prince.
"It's a long story," said Grumpy, "about six parts long so far. And I'd avoid any cures of his if I was you."
"How did I get in here? The last thing I remember is buying a copy of The Big Issue..."
"Bless you." said Bert.
"Thank you." said Snow. "Hang on, who's he?"
"That's Bert. You were saying?"
"Oh...erm, as I said I bought a copy of The Big Issue and..."
"Bless you." said Sneezy.
"Thank you. I bought it from this past retirement age lady of no fixed abode."
"What did she look like?" Doc asked, "Anything like this?" He held up a mask that he had found outside.
"Yes that's her. But, Oh my god you've ripped her face off!" And with that she threw up.
"Now look what you've done. That stain'll never come out."
"'S easy innit. We's lookin' fer a senior female wiv no face. Shouldn't be too difficult to find." said Dozy.

Grumpy cursed the fact that he hadn't brought the shovel upstairs with him.

"Gotta be Elvira, Snows stepmom." deduced Grumpy.
"But why is she trying to kill me?" asked Snow mopping up the mess on the floor.
"Reckon she's jealous of ya. It's an old story." said Grumpy.
"Much like this one." whispered Mick.
"What am I going to do?"
"Only one thing we can do." said Grumpy. "Prince, know any cures for being evil or just very
misunderstood?"
"As a matter of fact I...er no I don't actually. I don't suppose that she has a headache has she?"

Miles away in the castle was a dark staircase. The dark staircase spiralled down into the depths beneath the old dungeons which were no longer used as it was now far more sensible to rehabilitate criminals back into society and allow them to take holidays on tax payers money. Obviously if you give a criminal plenty of money then they have no need to commit crimes and everybody is safe and cosy. At the bottom of the stair case was a dark room filled with all sorts of spell books (such as "My first book of ABC" and "The Oxford English Dictionary"), and chemistry equipment. Hung on a far wall, just in front of Elvira was a mirror of comfortable proportions.

"Mirror, Mirror on the wall," said Elvira, "who's the fairest of them all?"
"Erm..." said the mirror.
"Come on I haven't got all day. It's a simple question."
"Well if you're so flamin' clever what're you askin' me for?" answered the mirror.
"Don't get smart with me youthful male." said Elvira with a stern look on her face.
"Okay if you're going to be like that, then I'll say Snow Various-shades-of-grey."
"Wrong answer bozo. Snows dead."
"Wrong answer smart arse. Snows alive." retorted the mirror.

To be continued...

In part seven:
Are all mirrors so clever?
Are the seven persons of diminutive stature going to find a way to stop Elvira?
Are is the eighteenth letter of the alphabet!
Are you getting fed up with this yet?
Are the jokes getting worse?
AARRRChooooo!
Get out of it Sneezy you're not supposed to be here.

Snow... part five of more than necessary.

2007-11-08T15:57:00Z

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Five.

Okay here is the story so fa...hang on we've been through this before haven't we. If that bloke is back here again, moaning 'cause he can't follow the story then I'll bloody well...good right then I can carry on with the story.

Titch took The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince back to the cottage and
showed him into the underheight room known as the lounge.

"Who is that?" asked Prince pointing to a strange person standing in the corner of the room.
"Oh, that's a mate of Beakys."
"What is he doing?"

The strange person was of even more undertall proportions than the Seven persons of diminutive stature who owned the building. He stood slowly rocking back and forth on his heels making a quiet clicking sound with his mouth.

"Erm," said Titch, "He works doing time and motion studies for some French underground
transport system. I think Beaky said he was a Metro-Gnome."
"I see." said Prince keeping his distance from the Gnome as he walked past.

Titch lead The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince upstairs to where Snow
lay unconscious.

"Titch your back!" cried out Mick.
"Yes I brought a person of early years with me."
"No Titch I mean there is something on your back." said Mick moving to a safe distance.
"AAARGH! GET IT OFF ME!" screamed Titch.
"Sod that," said Mick, "That thing’s almost as big as Bert the Gnome downstairs."
Prince acted swiftly and drew his sword hacking the Many-Legged-Hairy-Whatsit from Titchs
trembling back.

"There you go Male of Senior Years, all done." said Prince when he had finished.
"Blimey, looks like I picked the right fella fer the job." said Titch as he brushed pieces of mushed thing from his shoulders.

The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince suddenly noticed Snow Various-
Shades-Of-Grey lying in her deep slumber.

"Phwoar get a load of...ahem, I mean, oh dear the poor girl. And when I say poor I mean that in the sense that she is in a sorry predicament and I am in no way casting a slur on her financial
standings." said Prince.
"Quite," said Grumpy stepping into the room, "any ideas as to how we wake 'er up."
"Well, when I spent a few years in India a gentleman of great beyond-retirement-age showed me a trick for curing insomnia."
"Really? What do you do?"
"Well, the man would take a sledge hammer and beat the sufferer over the head repeatedly for two weeks."
"And that worked?"
"Oh yes, in fact they had no trouble ever sleeping again after that. Hmm, come to think of it they never actually woke up after that."
"I see," said Grumpy, "so what we could do is reverse this procedure for insomnia and it might
wake 'er up?"
"I guess it might work." replied Prince. "All you would have to do is not hit her over the head with a sledge hammer and she should wake up."
"Hmm," Grumpy contemplated, "trouble is we've already been doing this since we found 'er and she still aint woke up."
"Strange," said Prince, "but how did you know what the procedure was, have you visited India?"
"I've visited the Taj Mahal take away in the city. They do a good cure fer constipation."

The group of eight men all settled down in the lounge to think of what to do about Snow. Bert the Gnome gently rocked back and forth in the corner, ticking.

"On my travels in China," said Prince sipping a cup of herbal tea, "I met a chap who could cure all sorts of ailments."
"Did any of them seem similar to this?" asked Doc.
"Hmm, I did see him cure a person who couldn't walk once. I guess, as the Princess upstairs can't walk it must be fairly similar."
"Maybe," said Grumpy, "what was the cure?"
"I seem to remember that he cut off the mans legs and taught him to walk on his hands."
"I see."
"Aha, another time there was a person who suffered severe headaches and was cured of them by this Chinaman."
"Yes, what happened?"
"He beheaded the guy."
"I see a pattern emerging hear." said Beaky.
"Yes," said Grumpy, "were there any cures that didn't involve either death or severe mutilation of the patient?"
"Let me think," replied Prince taking another sip of tea, "well, there was one time when a girl was suffering from acute stomach ache."
"And?"
"Well, oh no sorry, that one was quite bad as well. Her stomach stopped aching but it wasn't quite so cute afterwards."
"In that case were stuffed." said Mick.
"I did meet a person of youth deficiency who was gifted in the arts of magic when I visited
Mongolia."
"Okay. Did he cure anybody of anything?"
"Yes."
"Did any of his cures involve killing or maiming?"
"No."
"Okay, fire away." said Grumpy.
"Right, well he cured a great many people of a great many things. As I said he was a powerful
wizard and gained quite a reputation in Mongolia."
"Examples?"
"Once he cured a dead person."
"I'm sorry, did you say dead? What did he cure him of?"
"He cured him of a nasty skin rash."
"And how did he do this?" asked Grumpy rolling his eyes.
"It was very ingenious really. He buried the corpse for a month and when the body was dug up,
SHAZAM! As if by magic the skin rash had disappeared."
"Incredible." said Grumpy looking unimpressed.
"Wow you sure have met some clever people on yer travels." said Dozy, still groggy after his
sudden sleep the day before.

Grumpy was looking around his chair for a shovel but couldn't find one.

"Well yes," said Prince, "they are pretty spectacular stories. This Wizard chappy was by far the best. One time he turned this evil (or possibly misunderstood) wizard into a toad."

Grumpy seemed more impressed this time.

"How'd 'e do that then?" He asked.
"I don't know the exact method involved in it. After all this magic business takes many years of
training. What happened was this wizard, the misunderstood one, turned up at his house. The two wizards were heard to be arguing quite loudly, then there was this loud crashing and thudding noise and all was quiet."
"What happened then?" The Seven diminutive men were all on the edges of their respective seats and Bert had stopped ticking.
"It was very mysterious. My wizard friend was seen leaving his cottage that night with a large
heavy rolled up carpet which he took and dropped into the bottomless pit at the centre of the
village. Then, later that night he was observed in the fields behind his cottage searching through the grass carrying a empty jar. The following day everybody in the village gathered round the wizards cottage. He opened the door holding in front of him a jar containing a toad. He told everyone that the toad was in fact the misunderstood wizard who had visited him the previous day and that there was no need to search for a body wrapped in carpet. Amazing huh?"
"Right that's it. Where's me shovel?" shouted Grumpy leaping to his feet.
Bert went back to ticking, only slightly faster than before. Dozy fell off his chair.
"Wow wizards is cool." He said climbing back into the chair.
"We're still back where we started. Only now we've got a gullible Prince to look after as well." said Grumpy still searching for a shovel.

"I still say I can suck the poison out of 'er." stated Titch, starting to foam at the mouth.
"Did 'e teach you 'ow to turn peoples into toads?" asked Dozy.
"Tick, Tick, Tick," said Bert.
"Beaky will you get that Gnome of yours to shut up." shouted Grumpy.
"It'd only take a quick suck, I'll brush me teeth first."
"Ahh, hear it is." said Grumpy finding his shovel. "Right, now who wants some of this then?" he raised his shovel.

Everyone stared at him.

"No, good, then everyone shut up." He sat down, took a good long swig of tea and put the shovel down within easy reach. "We still don't have a solution to Snows problem. In fact we seem to be gaining problems faster than we're solving 'em. Do we have any sensible ideas? No not you Dozy."

Titch raised his hand slowly.

"Any ideas that don't involve sucking."

Titch lowered his hand slowly.

"Can't we sell her body to science?" asked Doc.
"No!"
"We could try kissing her." suggested Prince.
"I beg your pardon? This isn't some sort of bizarre cure from some foreign country is it?"

Titch raised his hand slowly again.

"No you're not." said Grumpy.

Titch slowly lowered his hand again and wiped the froth from his mouth.

"Sorry, It was just an idea." said The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince.

Suddenly there was a thud from upstairs and a female voice cried out.

"Ouch, that was some party, I don't even remember getting into bed."

To (still) be continued...

Was this episode just a complete waist of time?
Was the shovel hidden for a reason? (Nothing else has happened for a reason in this story so it's unlikely).
Was Bert getting dizzy swinging back and forth like that?
Was The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince really that gullible?
Was part five better than part four?
Was part three better?
Was this part of the story just a filler because I am running out of ideas?

Snow... Part Four of a few too many.

2007-10-28T13:59:00Z

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Four.

The story so far...
Loadsa stuff happened. If you don't know what exactly then what are you doing reading part four huh! Jeez I don't know, some people. They come along moaning and complaining that they don't know what's going on because they haven't bothered to read the first parts and expect me to tell them. Well tough luck. No, I mean it if you're too bone idle to read the first three then I really can't be bothered with you. Go on, clear off. Yeah I mean you. Go on get out of it, sod off. That's better now he's gone I can cont... hang on, are you still here. I said sling your hook. Right now he's gone for real this time we can carry on with the story...

As we know poor Snow fell un... look I told you to get lost didn't I. Come back when you've read the first three instalments. You what? Don't talk to me like that. Right that's it. Excuse me for a minute everyone...

THUNK, CRASH, AARGH NOT THE FACE ! SMASH, CRUNCH, SNAP!! YOU @#*?!!

Right that's him sorted. Where was I? Oh yes. As we know Snow had just fallen unconscious from the poisoned ink on Elviras Big Issue (bless you! thanks!) and was now laying in a heap outside the cottage door. A few hours later the seven undertall persons returned from a long day at the factory.

"Blimey, look it's Snow. What's she doin' down there?"
"Maybe she's just washed the doormat and didn't want us treadin' dirt into the house. So she's layin' down fer us ta tread on." said Dozy scratching his head.
"You daft buggers. She's been knocked out." said Grumpy.
"Told you the doorway was too low for 'er we'll be facin' an insurance claim now." said Doc always thinking of the financial repercussions.
"C'mon lads lets get 'er inside."

The Seven Persons of gravity inflicted vertical trauma gathered around the prone girl and started to move her indoors.

"Lift at the knees boys," said Grumpy, "remember your manual handling training, Beaky, get that back straight."

Once inside they managed to manhandle her up the stairs and into bed.

"Stand back guys, I'm a trained first aider. I'll just loosen her clothing." There was a strange
drooling sound.
"No you don't Titch, We'll call a doctor."
"Can't duh, duh, AAACHOOO! do that, the girls life is in danger. We can't let anyone kn, nuh, nuh, AAACHHOO! know where she is." said Sneezy.
"Good point Sneezy, my not-young mate." said Grumpy wiping the spray from his face. "I wonder what 'appened to her."
"Here Grumps look at this, it was lying on the ground next to her." Mick held up the stack of
magazines.
"Whassat?" asked Dozy.
"Big Issue." replied Sneezy.
"Bless you." said Doc.
"No I mean the magazine is THE BIG ISSUE."
"Oh, maybe the poor girl didn't 'ave any money on 'er." said Doc again thinking of money. "Those habitatally challenged persons can get pretty rough when they need a fix."
"We got some Sellotape in the cupboard. If 'e were that desprit fer a fix she could've gived 'im
that."

There was the mysterious sound of a shovel and a solid consistency head joining together briefly and Dozy decided suddenly to lie on the floor and sleep for a moment.

"Well I think that if it's poison someone should suck it out of 'er." said Titch. "It's dangerous but I'm willing to risk it."

Titch started moving toward the bed again followed by a trail of saliva.

"Back off Titch." said Grumpy holding a shovel above his head. "We'll all take turns too keep
watch on the girl. Except Titch who's gonna go an' find some help."
"Sod it." said Titch as he walked off down stairs.
"Right, Doc you take first shift. Mick, you get the kettle on. I think we need a good strong cup of herbal tea."

Titch was wandering for many hours and it was beginning to get dark in the forest.
He wasn't really sure where he was going but he knew that when he got there he would have
arrived. Titch started to think of the unconscious young girl back at the cottage, wiped his mouth, and decided to think of something else, sheep perhaps. He started to think of fluffy white sheep bouncing through a field. Then he started to drool again. Best stop thinking of sheep he decided. Damn his Welsh ancestry.

Titch wandered for many more hours. It was completely dark and he thought it best to stop and sleep until morning. He was awoken by a sound. The sound of a horse stepping very hard on a diminutive foot.

"AAARRGH! me foot." said Titch.
"NEIGH!" said the horse.
"Gettoffityaanimalofexcessphysicalsize." replied Titch.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't see you there." said the man sitting on the horses back.

The horse reversed and allowed Titch to hobble to his foot. The other clenched firmly in his hands.

"Who the place-of-eternal-damnation're you goin' around parkin' yer 'orse on a blokes foot?"
"I'm The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne formerly known as Prince." replied The-Ruler-In-line-For-
The-Throne formerly known as Prince.

Titch suddenly had an idea.

"'Ere, you know anythin' about poisoned young Princesses on the run?"

To be continued...

In part five:
Is The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne formerly known as Prince any good at saving young poisoned Princesses?
Is his horse illegally parked on a dwarf?
Is this just the most pointless thing you have ever read?
Issywissy lets get busy?
Is this lunacy ever going to end?
Is... Oi, you I thought you'd gone. Come back for some more have you? Right you asked for it,
come here. Don't run away you coward. CRUNCH! AAARGH MY ARM, GETTOFF, HELP
POLICE, CRACK! BEND, TWIST SCRUNCH!

Snow Part Three of a few less than last time.

2007-10-22T14:45:00Z

Right you axed fer it. Here it is. I hope you're satisfied. You brought it on yourself. Don't come
complaining to me about it later. I've done it. It's here. Here it is!!!
(On your head be it)
(Don't say I didn't warn you)
...

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Three.

The condensed story so far: King, Wife, Girl, Death, Woman, Marriage, Evil (?), Huntsperson
(Hmm!), Forest (ooh!), Crap (Eugh!), Attempted murder (Ahh!), Escape (Cor!), More Forest
(Ecch!), Cottage (Eek!), Break-in (Akk!), Sleep (Sigh!), Shadowy Singing Figures (Gag!), The
Story Continues (AAAAAAaaaarrgggghhhh!!!!!!!)...

The Seven low level persons carefully entered the small space between the walls (the doorway) and cast their eyes around the dark confines of the room beyond.
"There they are!" exclaimed a voice quietly to his companions.
"What? Where?" asked another.
"In the corner over there." replied the first voice.
"Can't see nuffin," said a third voice, "What is it?"
"Over there, see it's them bloody Three Invisible Bears again."
"Silly Sod. If they's bloody invisible 'ow d'you know them's Bears?"
"Cos they looks like invisible bears."
"Whassa infizziball beer look like den?" asked another underachieved-education voice.
"It looks like them over there dunnit."
There was a muffled klonking sound (The sort of muffled klonking sound that might be associated with a shovel making contact with a very thick head).
"Ouch ya bugger. What you wanna go an' do that fer?"
"You're a special-needs-person. Shut up."

The seven shadowy figures continued through the house and made their way up the stairs little
realising the terror that awaited them (!?!).

"Issa boodifall ghoul."
"Keep back she might be dangerous."
"Phwoar, yeah, let's 'ope so." answered another followed by a curious dribbling noise.
"Get back buddy, I saw 'er first, she's mine."
"Wait all of you. We don't know where she's been."
"I don't care where she's been, I just knows where she's a goin'."

Snow Various-Shades-Of-Grey's eyes flickered open and she was greeted by a grizzly sight. There at the foot of the bed stood (she assumed that they stood, although they might very well have been sitting) seven persons of diminutive stature, all of which were looking at her, and some of which were drooling on her.

"Oh my, who are you?" she gasped.
"We might very well ask the same of you missy." grumbled a sour voice from beyond her feet.
"Sorry, this must be your house being as you're all so shor- erm I mean below average height. I am the Princess (democratically elected), Snow Various-Shades-Of-Grey. I am on the run from my desperately misunderstood Stepmother."
"OH!"
"She can stay then right?"
"Yeah, if she's in trouble she'll 'ave to stay somewhere."
"'Sright. She can sleep in my bed if she likes." (More fevered dribbling).

There was another strange klonking sound and one of the seven figures disappeared suddenly from the end of the bed.

"Awright, awright, she can stay. But if she's gonna sleep in anyones bed its gonna be mine."
"Thank you all very much," replied Snow, "who exactly are you?"
"Well we're workers from a local cosmetics factory deep in the heart of the forest.
Startin' on yer left there you have Sneezy, he deals with powders mostly. Then you have Dozy,
Beaky, Mick and Titch. They work as Porters. That's Doc, who deals with the wages department, so called cos 'e docks everyone's wages. And finally myself. I'm Grumpy."
"I'm sorry to hear it."
"'s my name missy, get used to it. I'm a supervisor at the factory. I gives the orders, Tells 'em what t'do an' I beats 'em wiv a shovel when they don't."
"Oh, I guess they look up to you then."
"Well yes, I am an inch or so taller than them."

Days passed and sleeping arrangements were finally agreed upon. Snow shared the housework while the Seven Persons of Diminutive Stature went to work and occupied her spare time with hours of daytime television comprising of talk shows, game shows, cookery programmes, soaps and her favourite, "This Morning with Dickead & Juggsy".

One day while the undertall guys were out at work, there came a knock at the door (which had
since been replaced in its hole).

"Oh a knock at the door!" exclaimed Snow.

She got up switching off the television just as Dickead was introducing the Midday Monkey quiz where people phone in to answer a series of questions in the hope of winning several monkeys of their very own. Outside the front door stood a Lady of decreased youth, wearing a cloak and carrying a pile of magazines.

"Hello girlie, I am a person of increased lack of life, and of Home deficiency. I am selling The Big Issue in order to supplement my income and my various dependencies, whilst also paying off my mobile phone bill. Would you care to buy a copy?"
"Sorry, what was that you were selling again?"
"Big Issue."
"Gesundheit."
"Thank you dear, how about a copy then?"
"Why yes, of course I'll buy a copy from a kind-if-slightly-age-weathered-and-dentally-challenged faced woman who roams the streets through no fault of her own and should be assisted back into pleasant society by those around her. How much?"
"Pound."
"Done."
"You have been."

Snow paid the female and took the magazine. Too late she noticed that cheap printing costs had lead to the ink rubbing off the pages onto her hands.

"Oh dear my hands are filthy I'll have to..."

Snow passed out. The woman of past retirement age smiled and pulled of the mask that she had been wearing, revealing... Snows Stepmother Elvira (Shock!! you didn't see that one coming did you, How's that for a plot twist?). Elvira threw her stack of magazines to the ground and began to laugh maniacally as she ran away into the forest.

Coming soon (or maybe later after I get complaints that the story isn't finished) Part Four!!!:
Why did Snow answer the door to a complete stranger when her life was in danger?
Why did she pass out?
Why do you want to read this stuff anyway?
Why is the twentyfifth letter of the alphabet!?
Why did I just write that?
Why can't I stop writing these bits at the end?
Why haven't you finished reading this yet?

Snow... part 2 of some.

2007-10-13T14:10:00Z

Gah... the madness continues...

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive stature. Part Two.

The condensed story so far: King, wife, daughter. Wife dead. New wife evil (misunderstood?).
New wife send Huntsperson. Huntsperson wimp. Daughter runs. Daughter lost...

Now the story continues:
Snow Various-shades-of-grey wandered for many hours until she was completely and utterly lost in the special learning needs (thick) forest. Young Snow was now becoming increasingly anxious as darkness was falling like some big horrible dark thing that falls quite quickly, and she was also hungry.

After a short while (that's a short while after the long while that she had already been lost for) Snow entered a clearing. In the centre of the clearing was a petite, under developed cottage which was in no way inferior to her own enormous and expensive castle.

"Blimey, a petite and underdeveloped cottage," said Snow.

The young girl walked up to the below average height door and knocked. There was no answer.
She knocked again. Still no answer. Snow decided to do what any normal, well brought up teenager would do in this situation and break into a complete strangers home.
Once she had forced the door open she slowly craned her head around it to see inside. Once she was certain that no-one was home she proceeded indoors.

"Bugger," she said as she banged her head on the ceiling.

The interior was decorated in a minimalist style, in that everything in the place was minimal in size. Snow made her way into the house and had a proper nose around. In the centre of the cottage was a low table surrounded by seven chairs. On the wall by the front door were seven coat hooks, and upstairs were seven child sized beds. Hmm, thought Snow, there's a pattern emerging here and it's not on the wall paper. By this time it was totally dark outside and snow was extremely tired after her long period of being completely lost and helpless, and of her adventures in near death with the Huntsperson and the army of fire breathing dragons that she fought with a plan of shear brilliance (sorry but that is in the full uncut version of the story and not in this Readers Digest version). Snow returned to the bedroom and made herself comfortable in one of the small beds.

An hour later, after Snow Various-shades-of-grey was fast asleep, seven undertall shadowy figures emerged from the darkness of the forest in complete silence. Complete silence that was, except for the loud drunken singing that accompanied them.

"Above-average-height Ho, Above-average-height Ho, it's back to home we go..."

The seven figures stopped at the front door which was now parted from its hole in the front of the cottage.

"What the bleedin' 'ell's goin' on 'ere?" said a diminutive voice.
"Some bugger's broke in!" said another petite and very peeved voice.
"Is anyfin' missin'?" asked another.
"Yes," replied yet another voice, "someone's 'ad me legs away". "Oh no, it's awright," said the same voice again, "I just remembered I'm sittin' down".
"What do we do now?" asked a fifth undertall voice.
"Everyone got their axes?”
There was a murmuring around the group finally culminating in a yes.
"Right then let's kick some arse!"
The seven shadowy figures charged through the door (or rather he space where the door would
have been had it not been removed earlier).

Part three coming soon.

In part three:
Will Snow wake up alive or dead?
Will the seven short arses, er, I mean persons of gravity affected height restrictions, find Snow
asleep in their bed and mistake her for Goldylocks?
Will anyone ever read all this rubbish?
Will the owner of the car parked on double yellow lines please note that the car is no longer parked on double yellow lines. In fact will he note that it is no longer a car!

Snow... Part the first.

2007-09-29T18:27:00Z

Yes, like a phoenix from the ashes, like a bad penny, like something else that comes back when you didn't want it to, my BLOG has returned from the depths of... the deep.

I have recently been persuaded by an insane fool (mentioning no Nickillus... oops) to post this complete load of old nonsense here for all to ~~avoid~~ see. The following ridiculous tale was written over many wasted hours, many years ago, as a series of emails to another lunatic (not Nickillus this time, yes there is more than one lunatic around). I have finally decided to serialise this collection of rancid ramblings in exactly several parts, starting with... part one. So here is the politically correct version of Snow White...

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY CONTAIN BAD PUNS, POOR WRITING, AND INSANE GIBBERING... MAY ALSO CONTAIN NUTS.

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part One.

Once upon a time in a Multi-cultural society far, far away, there stood a castle. The castle belonged to the King and ruler of female gender (both of which were democratically elected to office by the populace, who were all treated fairly as equals). The King and his wife had a child, an attractive young lady whose weight fluctuated between slender and full bodied. The young lady was named Snow Various-shades-of-grey. The Family lived happily for many years with both parents enjoying professional careers and bringing up their child in a stable loving home environment. Sadly the female partner in this marriage was diagnosed with a crippling generic disease of unknown origin and passed away quietly. The King and his daughter, Snow Various-shades-of-grey, were given bereavement counselling and eventually came to accept the ongoing-non-living-situation suffered by the late person of female gender.

Two years after the sad event the King met and fell in love with another female person and married her (not that there is in any way anything wrong with a single parent family, many of whom were perfectly acceptable in the society and not treated like scum-of-the-earth scroungers who corrupt the minds of their young and add to the growing delinquency problems and crime statistics. No sir, not at all, no way! ahem!).

Unbeknown to the King and his well adjusted daughter, Elvira, the Kings new wife, was pure evil (but of course children that doesn't mean that she was all bad, as you know some people are often misunderstood by those around them despite their good, or evil, intentions and everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves). Elvira was already plotting to remove Snow Various-shades-of-grey from the picture as she was jealous of the attention received by the young princess.

One day Elvira called a Huntsperson (who only hunted dead animals as living creatures have just as much right to life as us humans) to her office.

"Huntsperson, I would like very much for you to take my step-daughter, Snow Various-shades-ofgrey, out to the woods and kill her, if that wouldn't be too much trouble".
"Um!" said the Huntsperson.
"I'll pay yer loadsa dosh!"
"Deal", said the Huntsperson.
"Just one more thing", said Elvira, "I want you to bring back her heart as proof of the deed", and with that she gave a deep maniacal laugh.

The following day, bright and early, the Huntsperson took Snow Various-shades-of-grey out deep into the woods. Snow was enjoying her trip greatly, picking non-endangered species of flower, watching birds and deer, picking up litter left by anti-social litter louts. All the time, the
Huntsperson was waiting for the right moment to commit the dastardly crime of murder (yes
MURDER, for there is no other word for this despicable act, erm except maybe homicide, and er killing and... anyway).

"I'm just going for a pony behind that tree" said Snow to the Huntsperson.
"Right you are missy" replied the Huntsperson realising this was his/her chance.
Snow wandered off behind the big oak and the Huntsperson prepared him/herself. He/she removed a freshly sharpened dagger from his/her cloak and crept silently toward the tree (gasp!). Snow Various-shades-of-grey just finished off behind the great oak when a dark shadow fell over her (eek!). It was the Huntsperson raising the dagger above his/her head (wheeze!) (er sorry all this excitement has left me breathless). He paused, looking into her wide, yet average eyes.

"Bugger," said the Huntsperson, "I can't do it even fer a shitload o'cash".
"w...ww...what were y...yer...you going to do?" verbally challenged the young girl.
"Your step mother, the ruler of female gender, hired me to kill you. But, seeing you cower before me like an ickle tiny fluffy cweature of the fowest I cannot do it. Sod it, an' I could've bought that new laser sighted crossbow with the engraved stock that I've been after". He/she helped the girl to her feet. "You best run girlie - not that I use the word in a derogatory or defamatory manner but purely as a figure of speech you understand. Er, and when I ask if you understand that doesn't mean I am casting aspersions upon your character or your intelligence, but with you being a young girl an' all I..."

Snow had run off.

Coming soon to a screen near you: Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of
diminutive stature. Part Two.

Will Snow get away from the evil (or just misunderstood) Elvira?
Will the Huntsperson ever get his/her laser sighted crossbow?
Will the King realise what's going on?
Will this e-mail ever end?
Will iam is a boys name!

(if you thought that was bad just wait until you see part two)

The insanity continues... Jungle fever part the second-ish.

2007-03-15T21:13:00Z

Yes, the monkey said "Meep". Let that be a lesson to you my poor disturbed readers.

And now without further ado (because I am all out of ado's right now), it is onward into the dark (but not too dark) dangerous world of... the world. Follow me dear reader, just not too close OK, I don't want to catch anything dodgy. Follow me forward and slightly to the left. Follow me around this corner and... look I said not too close didn't I? Do that again and there's going to be trouble... Anyway, round this corner and through this gateway into... into... another piece of Jungle.

It is a little greener here than the piece of Jungle we delved into last time curious reader. Not too green, just the right amount of green to make it feel... Jungley. Listen carefully and we can hear the distant sound of a monkey saying meep for a second time. Listen yet more carefully and you can hear the sound of a monkey that has recently meeped twice being struck by a mystical bolt of lightning for disturbing a great monkey God. Let us not linger for too long lest we suffer the same fate. And no Meeping at the back there.

Here in this different piece of Jungle we see a mighty waterfall. Yes, it is strange how we couldn't hear it just now when we could clearly hear the meep in the distance. Do not concern yourself with such discrepancies (or the writer who's struggling to keep up with this nonsense). See there at the base of the waterfall is a small pool in the centre of which sits, or maybe crouches, a tiny island. An island so small it is little more than a... small island. A small island of such size that it could easily be mistaken for a tiny piece of land surrounded by water. Yes, it's quite small isn't it. In the centre of this unique and well hidden island is a solitary flower. A small flower. A flower so small that it could be seen as a flower that is not as big as others. A flower that is unique. This flower is the last of it's kind. The only remaining remnant of it's species. A unique plant. The most poisonous flower unknown to man.

There, nearby is a bear. Huge and powerful. A great bear. Well, OK, it's not that great but it'll have to do at short notice. Yes I forgot to mention the short notice on the small island, it says something about picking up litter. Here comes the not too bad bear. Fishing in the pool. It reaches the island and sees the beautiful flower lit by a glorious beam of light (the flower, not the bear). The bear approaches cautiously and gives the plant a hesitant sniff (it's like a normal sniff but a bit more cautious). Moments later the bear rears up in pain, roars, coughs, roars again overplaying his role outrageously, and collapses in a huge furry heap. Yes, I also forgot to mention the huge furry heap that was on the small island, but now you know it's there and the bear landed in it. I also didn't mention the fact that the flower grew out of the huge furry heap. At least, it did until the bear landed on it.

The moral of this tale is simple, you have wasted several valuable minutes reading this rubbish when you could have been doing something far more useful with your time.

From the distance comes the sound of a slightly charred meep.

Hey, I said not too close...weirdo

The Monkey's Tale

2007-03-02T01:53:00Z

Leaving the bright darkness and the dark brightness behind we travel, dear readerses, miles upon miles away to a slightly less dark and not quite as bright rainforest. Of course if you live in a rainforest yourself you may not have travelled quite as far as the rest of us and could probably invite us all in for a drink while we are here. But I digress (and not for the first time I guarantee you).

Here in the faintly less lit jungle floor we travel a little further. Yes, I am sorry I didn't just travel there straight away but it builds much needed tension you see. Here we are, the Great Temple of the Mighty Monkey God. Now ruins. Let us travel back in time (yes, yes more travelling I know, stop your moaning at the back there). We arrive at the dawn of a new age, or more accurately 10 minutes later than the dawn of a new age (if the one at the back hadn't complained so much we would have travelled back earlier to catch the actual dawn).

A small figure moves through the tall jungle trees, shrouded in shadowy darkness (but not as dark as you might think after reading previous blogisodes). It swiftly appears in the clearing before the Great Temple. And when I say before the temple I just mean he was stood in front of it not that he got here earlier. The monkey, yes monkey, for that is what it was my gentle and not so gentle readers, scampered across the ground and entered the Temple.

Within the dark confines (yes it's dark in here, very dark, like some dark...well you get the idea) the small monkey makes his way silently (yes silently like something quiet and lacking sound, like a...I think I have been here before), swiftly, to the Great Temples alter.

For a moment the monkey stood, silent, dark, not very bright (badly lit not stupid), quiet (also covered by the silent bit before). Then the monkey leaped up onto the stone alter. It took 2 rocks and striking them together created sparks to light a nearby candle. The monkey sat back in the orangey glow from the flame.

It sat and waited. It seemed to wait for an age (which would have been a pretty long time when you consider they just started a new one before we got here). Then in the slightly less darkness a voice rumbled.

"WHO DARES AWAKEN THE MIGHTY MONKEY GOD? WHO ENTERS THE INNER SANCTUM, THE SACRED ALTER OF THE AGES? WHO LIGHTS THE CANDLE THAT BURNS SO BRIGHTLY IN THE DARKNESS? WHO IS IT THAT WAKENS ME FROM MY ETERNAL SLUMBER? WHO? SPEAK!"

The small monkey looked around. It rose up on the great alter and stood tall. It raised it's arms high in the air and then...then...it spoke.

"Meep", said the monkey.

It was a bright and noisy brightness that wasn't as dark as the darkness!

2007-02-28T17:22:00Z

It was bright, very bright. Not quite as bright as it could be, but pretty damn bright all the same. The brightness came from the light. The light was bright. It was bright light, and it shone brightly. Before it had been dark. It had been so dark that there was little in the way of brightness. Now there was so much brightness that the darkness had vanished and been replaced with bright light brightness of a bright variety known only to those that had never experienced darkness. Yes, it was bright, and light, and noisy. There was noise. Not silence as there had been before, but sound that made the silence not so silent. Bright and loud, that's what it was.

Amidst the brightness and noise a figure stood. It did not lurk as it might have done in darkness and silence. It just stood. Slightly to the left of where it had lurked when it was dark and quiet. It made a little more noise than it had done when all was silent. Then, without warning, it moved and in the very same moment the bulb blew.

Suddenly all was dark. Suddenly all was silent. Except for a loud thud that interfered with the silence. Then again it was silent. Dark.

(sigh...I'm going to keep going you know. Some crazy nutter put 5 stars on the last one. You are just creating more of this lunacy you know...yes you know who you are...you...you...crazy person).

The dark darkness was as dark as dark darkness

2007-02-21T14:26:00Z

It was dark. It was very dark. It was as dark as a very dark thing that was badly lit. Yes, it was dark. It certainly wasn't a bright as a bright thing because it was so dark, very dark. The darkness was so dark that the dark could not be seen in it. It was also quiet.

It was very quiet. the silence was so silent that not even noise could be heard. It was very quiet, not to mention silent. Not a sound made a sound. There was no noise. And it was dark. Very dark.

You may not be aware of just how dark it was, but it was...very. Then, suddenly and unexpectedly, the silence was mildy dented, no, broken. A voice carried through the not so silent silence. It meandered through the dark darkness.

"Dark in here isn't it?", spoke the voice.

So somebody turned on the lights.

(Oh yes, you will regret talking me into this. You know who you are. Over there, you, Lurking in the darkness. Yes it is dark over there isn't it. Very dark...)

Sir Frederick

2007-02-20T13:56:00Z

The brave Sir Frederick rode out,
for the Dragon he wanted to clout.

Sword in hand and shield readied,
his powerful stead he quickly steadied.

There ahead was the terrible beast,
as on a small village it did recently feast.

With a herioc cry Sir Frederick did charge,
until the Dragon in sight loomed large.

The sword swung past with a margin so slim,
which meant the beast was now behind him.

The mighty Dragon leapt on the poor knight,
a moment later was a grusome sight.

Thus was ended the fight of Sir Fred,
'cause sadly now he was terribly dead.

Sad innit.