Jesus, complaints, that's all I get. "Oh I wish you'd stop writing this story," "Oh I wish you'd carry on writing this story," never bloody satisfied that's your problem. Well here you are, and I don't want any more moaning that there isn't enough of it (or that it's too long!).

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Nine Point One - The Epilogue (?)

After many hours the group had finally explained the situation to Agatha and asked if she could cure Snow Various-shades-of-grey of her continuous anti-waking predicament.

"There is one way to cure her," said Agatha, "but it requires one or two special items."
"Like what?" asked Grumpy.
"If they're expensive you can forget it." said Doc with a worried look on his face.
"Oh I see," said Dozy, "mind the steep."

Grumpy looked for his shovel.

"To wake the girl I needs the Eternal flame of burning firery stuff." said Agatha waving her arms
about dramatically.
"What's that then?" asked Mick.
"It's a magical torch that has burned constantly since the dawn of time. Some says it was lit by the
almighty deity-of-insert-religion-here him/herself."
"Okay then, what else d'you need?"
"I needs..." She began, pausing for dramatic effect (and to build her part).
"Yes?" They all stepped forward with anticipation.
"I needs..."
"YES?"
"I needs a turnip." She said at last.
"A turnip?"
"Oh yes, very important is a turnip. Can't do the spell without it."
"Just a bog standard turnip?" said Doc.
"No of course not," said Agatha rolling her eyes (one of them quite literally - she had removed it and was rolling it round her hand to clean it), "it must be a..." she paused for more dramatic effect, "it must be a humorously shaped turnip."
"You want us to get a funny shaped turnip?" said Grumpy disappointedly.
"No a humorously shaped turnip, you know a rude one preferably shaped like a..."
"Yes I understand." Grumpy cut in irately. "Any other rubbish you need fer this spell of yours?"
"Yes. Lots of luck."
"No chance of that." mumbled Mick to himself.
Bert started ticking more rapidly in his corner.
"Right," said Grumpy, "Sneezy an' Mick, you two can go an' get this Eternal flaming thingy.
Beaky, you take Bert."
"Take 'im where?"
"Just take 'im anywhere where I don't 'ave ta listen to 'is infernal tickin'. Titch, you an' Dozy go an' find this 'ere turnip. The rest of us'll 'ave a nice cup of herbal."

The Quest for the Eternal flaming thingy Part One of One.

Agatha had given Sneezy and Mick directions to the cave where they would find the magical torch and after a few hours and thirty two seconds they had arrived.

"Looks like this is the place." said Mick.

They both looked up at the sign above the entrance to the cave:

Eternal Flame of burning firey stuff - enter here - please mind the life threatening traps.

"Could be." said Sneezy.

The two anti-tall persons sat outside the cave for a while discussing their plan of action. It was
eventually decided that Sneezy, having spent many years working in the powder room at the
factory, would be better at sneaking past the death dealing traps that lined the cave due to his ability to sneak out of the factory for a *** at any time without Grumpy noticing. Mick, having worked as a porter for several years, was used to standing about for hours on end doing nothing so he was to stay at the entrance to the cave in order to get help should anything fatal happen to Sneezy.

Sneezy worked his way into the dusty cave and through several tunnels containing a variety of
ingenious and very lethal traps. The diminutive person finally reached an excessively scaled cavern at the centre of which stood... (dum dum dum) a rock. On top of the rock stood... (even more dramatic DUM DUM DUM!!!) The Eternal Flame Of Burning Fiery Stuff.

Sneezy called back through the caves to Mick.

"I've found it."
"Good bring it back here."
"Okay."

Sneezy made his way down to the rock on which the magic torch stood. He could feel the powerful energy emanating from the flame. carefully he took the torch.

"AAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaccccccccchhhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"
"What?" said Mick from outside.
"Umm, Mick, you got any matches on ya?" asked Sneezy.

The Quest to remove Bert the Metro-Gnome from Grumpys sight Part A.

Beaky took Bert outside and they made their way back home. Bert ticked slightly as they walked.

"Touchy bloke isn't he?" said Bert.

The Quest for the funny, er, I mean humorously shaped Turnip Part One of One.

Titch and Dozy walked for many hours and twenty minutes through the forest until they were
ambushed.

"Stop right there!" shouted a minute voice.
"Don't move or we'll do ya." cried another.

Suddenly the ambushers made themselves visible. Pixies. Before Titch and Dozy stood around a dozen pixies.

"Ahh, innay cute." said Dozy.
"Cute? Cute? You ***." screeched the lead pixie. "How dare you use the C word. We're not cute. We're vicious murderous thugs hellbent on destruction. We're not CUTE we're well 'ard bastards and no mistake."
"I'm glad we got that sorted out before we made some awkward mistake." said Titch edging
backwards.
"Not so fast. We know your sort. You're factory workers aren't you?"
"Yup." Said Dozy before Titch could stop him.
"Well that's all right then, my brother Dave used to work in a factory." said the lead pixie, "Let me introduce my band of terrorists here. I'm Dave, over there is Dave next to him is Dave, he's my second in command. This here is my wife David and my daughter Dave..."
"Um, excuse me for interrupting, but are you all called Dave?" asked Titch.
"Yes, It's a curious thing. Pixies have a tradition of naming their offspring after the father.
Eventually this meant that everyone was named Dave and so we just carry on naming our children Dave."
"I see." said Titch.
"It's a miracle. I can see too." shouted Dozy excitedly.

Titch started to think whether it was too late to start introducing new characters to the story but decided, foolishly, that the author new what he was doing. He explained to the band of Daves what had happened in the story so far up to the point where they had met Agatha and was then forced to tell the rest of the story because the Daves didn't think he had left off in a satisfactory place.

"Being as we're a band of cruel bloodthirsty anarchists we'll be glad to help you find your
vegetable. In fact there is a field not far from here." said Dave.
"Yes," said Dave, "I do believe they grow turnips there."
"Let's go." cried David.

The two below height persons and the even less than average height Daves made their way through the forest until they reached the edge of a ploughed field.

"Here we are." said Dave.
"Okay lads, each of you take a section of field. Let's find ourselves a turnip."

For several hours, fifteen minutes, and twenty seconds, the Daves, Titch, and Dozy searched the field (well the Daves and Titch did, Dozy just sat and made mud pies). All of a sudden the silence was broken harshly by a horrendous boom.

"Incoming!!!" shouted Dave.
"What?" cried Titch.
"Cor look what I've made." said Dozy. "You want some?"
A large hole containing an equally large cannon ball appeared at Titchs feet.
"Bloody Place-of-eternal-damnation!!!" screeched Titch. "What's goin' on?"
"Under attack. Farmers seen us." said Dave.

A deep voice boomed from the distance.

"NAFF ORF MOI LAND YA THEIVIN' BUGGERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"It's a pie, you wanna bit?" asked Dozy.
There was another loud boom followed by another large hole.
"There must be an easier way to plough a field." said Titch ducking.
"Retreat." shouted Dave.

The gang ran until they realised they were running toward the cannon, then stopped, regrouped, and ran the other way. Moments later they found themselves in a farmyard surrounded by sheds and barns.

"Quick in here." said a Dave (it was difficult to say which in all the excitement).
They all rushed into the shed an shut the door firmly behind them.
"HUHS EE?" asked Dozy with a mouthful of pie.
"What?" said Dave.
"I think he said who's he?" said Titch translating.

They all turned to see a chimp sitting in the corner holding a broom.

"OO OO." said the chimp.

Hmm, thought Titch, not another character introduced at this late stage in the story. What's wrong with the author?

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Nine Point Two - Son of The Epilogue (?)

Back at Agatha the Whats house the rest of the diminutive persons and The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince were enjoying a horrible cup of herbal tea. The first cup had been very nice but that was about seventeen cups ago and it was starting to get a bit much.

"Where are they? What's keepin' 'em?" said Grumpy grumpily.

Almost as if on cue the door burst open.

"AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrgggggggggghhh!!!" said Sneezy and Mick, forgetting about the STEEP.
"'Bout time too." said Grumpy.

The door burst open again.

"AAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrggggggggggggghhhhhh!!!!!" said Titch and Dozy, also
forgetting the STEEP.
"At last," said Grumpy, "now they're all..."
"AAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!" said the Daves not forgetting about the STEEP because they didn't know about it in the first place.
"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!" said the chimp as it also managed to find the gap
between the ground and the other ground.
"What the Place-of-eternal-damnation's goin' on 'ere?" said Grumpy.
"Who're they?" asked Doc.

Titch introduced them.

"They are Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, David, Dave, and Dave.
That's Dozy, and that there is a chimp."
"Wunsumpah?" asked Dozy.
"Wha's 'e say?"
"He wants to know if you want some pie. If you've got any sense you'll say no." said Titch.
"Did you get the pieces for the spell?" asked Agatha impatiently.
"Umm... Sort of." said Sneezy.
"Umm... Yes, us too." said Titch.
"Meaning?"
Sneezy held up the torch.
"What's that?"
"Looks like a stick with a charred end." said Prince.
"It's not..." said Agatha in shock.
"Well it was very dusty in that cave and it was dark..."
"So you decided in your infinite wisdom to put out the only light you had!" said Doc.
"What about you. Tell me you got the turnip." said Agatha looking toward Titch.
"Not exactly."
"What d'you mean not exactly."
"Well by that I mean not at all. But we did get the next best thing."
"Which is?" She said beginning to get annoyed.
"That." said Titch pointing to the chimp.
"That is a chimp with a broom."
"Ahh but look more closely." said Titch. "Don't you see? It's a vegetable, can't even talk properly, and just look at those ears. If anything is humorously shaped its his ears."
"Right so instead of the magic torch and a turnip I've got to work with a burnt stick and a chimp." said Agatha slumping in her chair. "You see that bottle of pills on the shelf over there?"
"Yes." said Grumpy.
"Give the girl two of those an' she'll be fine."
"You mean we could have given her those all along?"
"Yes, but I so much wanted to do the spell. Haven't done a big spell like that fer ages."

They fed the pills to Snow and moments later she was awake.

"Thank you everyone. Boy, if it wasn't for my mushroom shaped heart defect that poison may not have affected me so badly and I might not have slept for so long. Erm, who are they?"

They explained to Snow what had happened while she had been unconscious, and made their plans to deal with Elvira. Luckily they had a crack troop of Daves on their side to help them in battle. Plans made, the band of physically reduced persons put their attack into action. Under cover of darkness they severe weathered the castle and entered via a convenient sewage outlet that also doubled as an infiltrators inlet.

"Be careful everyone," said Grumpy, "there could be rats down here, maybe even some estate
agents and politicians too. If anything tries to sell you a semi-detached in convenient walking
distance of the city centre step on it."

They eventually made their way safely out of the tunnels with only a minor attempted mortgage
sale. The first part of the plan was complete and after a quick discussion it was decided that they should have made further parts to the plan before they started.

"Well what're we gonna do now then?" said Doc.
"I've got pie if'n anyone wants some." Replied Dozy covered in mud.
"Reckon it'd be a good idea to get this 'ere lady to 'er father an' explain whats been goin' on."
suggested Dave.
"Sounds good to me." said Grumpy.

Deep in the ground below them the magic mirror was facing a predicament.
"If I want to brush my hair or have a shave," he said, "what am I 'sposed to look in to do it. Can't very well look in a mirror can I?"
"Don't ask stupid questions." said Elvira. "You don't shave."
"No I don't. That's what I was just saying. I can't shave because I can't see what I'm doing."
"I mean you don't shave because you don't have hair."
"Well how am I supposed to know that, I've never seen myself have I?"
"Haven't you got something more useful to say?" said Elvira.
"I guess I could tell you about the group of physically concise people that are sneaking your step daughter into the castle. But I have my own problems to deal with. I mean if I could see myself to shave, how could I hold the razor without hands? Huh? Huh? Tell me that miss smarty pants.
Elvira? Hello?"
Elvira had gone.

Meanwhile the brief statured army had found the King alone in his throne room. They all waited
outside until they heard him flush and then they entered.

"Your elevatedness," said Grumpy, "we have brought your daughter back to you."
"Who...?" started the King.
"IT'S ALL A LIE" Cried Elvira as she burst through the door.
"No it's not," said Snow Various-shades-of-grey, "I am his daughter."
"I meant everything else that they said." Said Elvira catching her breath (her breathing was quite heavy and she almost dropped it).
"Erm they haven't actually said anything else yet." said the King.
"Oh, am I early? I'll just wait outside a second." and with that Elvira left the room.
"Right, now would you mind telling me who in miscellaneous-deity-of-insert-religion-here you all
are?" said the King.
"This is Snow Various-shades-of-grey and she is your daughter..."
"I meant apart from her."
"Oh sorry." said Doc.

They spent a good few hours, and ten minutes, explaining parts one to nine of the story. The King scratched his head and asked them to carry on because he thought, wrongly, that part nine wasn't a good enough ending to the story and so they skilfully bodged together the rest of the events that had lead them to him.

"IT'S ALL A LIE!" cried Elvira as she burst through the door again. "Erm...I'm not too early again am I? Only it was beginning to drag on a bit. I thought they should have left it at part nine myself."
"It all seems very plausible to me." said the King.
"Quick someone, get a psychiatrist, The King's gone funny in the 'ead." shouted Mick.
"I think you should both shake hands and make up." said the King to Elvira and Snow.
"This isn't quite the ending I was expecting." said Dave disappointedly.

Elvira and Snow shook hands.

Elvira had jealousy management counselling for many months afterward and has now given up her misunderstood ways.

Snow Various-shades-of-grey grew to be great friends with Elvira, and they often go on long
camping trips together in the mountains. There they play a curious game of survival hide and seek where Elvira takes all the food and camping equipment and hides while Snow spends the next few weeks trying to find her and stay alive at the same time. Fun huh!

Grumpy, Doc, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Titch, all still work for the same cosmetics company deep in the forest, where they also found a job for the chimp. They still remain in contact with Snow, although Snow doesn't remain in contact with them.

Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, Dave, David, Dave, and Dave, still fight
for freedom and occasionally ransack farmers fields containing genetically misshapen vegetables. Dave has just had a baby son which he has named Dave.

Bert the Metro-gnome returned to his job in France, but became disillusioned with the work three months later. He now works for a new communications company as a ticking clock. People can now phone up and count the ticks for every second of the day.

The Three Invisible Bears still meet up at other peoples homes and often visit the local pub.

The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince has once again left the country to
tour far off places. Everyone wished him well except those who knew him.

Agatha the What is still practising magic and has recently opened up a tea garden outside her home. Visitors are reminded to: KEEP OFF THE GROSS AND PLEASE USE THE BEANS
PROVIDED!

The Magic Mirror is currently serving seven years for bad luck.

THE END. (For good this time, I don't want any more complaints)

(No I mean it. Shove off)