Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Seven.

Before we begin it is with great sadness that we must apologise for a grave error on our part. It has come to our attention that in part four the sentence:

"Once inside they managed to manhandle her up the stairs and into bed."

appeared in this story. This should be altered to read:

"Once inside they managed to personhandle her up the stairs and into bed."

We apologise again for any mental scarring this may have caused to the kiddies reading this and the persons responsible for this mishap have been duly sacked. Thank you for your time and patience. We now return you to the babblings of a madman:

Er, I am sorry to intrude yet again but it has come to our attention that the word madman was used in the former paragraph. The sentence should read:

"We now return you to the babblings of a madperson:"

Those involved in the sacking of the previous persons have now been sacked. Again we apologise for any disturbance caused to your fragile minds and once again return you to the story:

"Bugger," said Elvira, "none of this would have happened if that flaimin' Huntsperson had done
his/her job."
"Just can't find quality bloodthirsty staff these days." replied the mirror. Elvira cast her mind back to the day the Huntsperson had returned to the castle with news of Snows death.
There now follows an interesting flashback sequence to fill us in on a scene in the story that the author completely forgot to write until now (phew that gets me out of that).

"Your long-distance-above-the-ground-ness." said the Huntsperson bowing politely.
"Is she dead?" asked Elvira impatiently.
"Erm, yes, indeed she is. In no uncertain terms. Oh yes she's quite dead. Really she is. No doubt about it. Dead." said the Huntsperson thinking that he/she might just have got away with it with a piece of skilled lying.
"Show me the heart then."
"Here it is your majesty." He said holding a lumpy object before him.
"What's this?"
"Heart."
"No it's not. This is a mushroom." said Elvira angrily.
"No it’s definitely her heart."
"Why does it look like a mushroom then?"
"Er, well maybe she had a unusual heart condition." That would explain it he thought. Nice
thinking.
"A strange heart condition that makes your heart look just like a mushroom?"
"Yes."
"You're sacked. Get out."
"Oh, er, wait a sec, what a fool I've been, that was a mushroom afterall," said the Huntsperson
thinking quickly, "Here's the heart, it was in my pocket all along."
"CROAK." said the frog.
"That is a frog." said Elvira. "You're still sacked, get out."
"No really it's not a frog it's aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!!!!!!!!" said the Huntsperson as he/she fell through the trapdoor.
"Croooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkk!!!!!!!" said the frog.
"Just can't find the staff these days." said Elvira.

Wibble, Wibble, Wibble (end of flashback).

Meanwhile back at the seven diminutive persons cottage Snow Various-shades-of-grey had fallen into a deep sleep again for no apparent reason.
"Right we can't keep going on like this." said Grumpy.
"I agree," said Doc, "we'll have to find some way to cure the girl."
"When I stayed in Africa once there was a senior citizen aged male who had a cure for..." started Prince.
"No," said Grumpy, "we need a cure that'll cure her."
"I've got it." said Beaky.
"Everyone stand back," said Grumpy, "Beaky's got it too."
"No," said Beaky, "I mean I know who can cure her of her thingy."
"Who?"
"We can take her to Past-young Agatha deep in the forest."
"You don't mean..?"
"Yes, we could take her to see Agatha deep in the forest."
"Okay," said Grumpy, "I can't think of nothin' better. Let's go."

The group walked deep into the forest carrying Snow between them. After what seemed like an
hour and fifty nine minutes and thirty seconds, but which was actually only an hour and fiftynine minutes, they reached an eerie clearing among the learning difficulties trees. An owl hooted in the darkness adding much needed atmosphere. In the centre of the clearing stood, or maybe sat (it was difficult to tell in the light available), a rickety cottage not too dissimilar to the one they had left behind exactly one hour and fifty nine minutes ago.

"You silly arse Beaky. This is our place. I thought you knew where you was goin'." grumbled
Grumpy.

They continued on their journey for what seemed like another hour, but which was only sixty
minutes, until they arrived at yet another clearing. Another owl hooted to make them feel at home. This time they had indeed arrived at the home of Agatha.

In the darkness they could make out a cottage that was not theirs. Mick noticed a sign nailed
roughly to a tree beside them.

"Look guys, there's a sign 'ere written in bats blood."
"Wha's it say?"
They all read the sign which read:

AGATHA THE WHAT? PLEASE MIND THE STEEP AND BEWARE OF THE
DUG!!!

"Bloody place-of-eternal-damnation," Said Doc, "What good's she gonna be if'n she don't know
who she is? Silly moo can't even spell proper. Mind the STEEP and beware of the DUG?"
"She's a bit eccentric but I've 'eard she know's 'er stuff." said Grumpy.
"I knew a guy who could cure eccentricity." said Prince.
"She don't need curin', she's the one as is doin' the curin'."
"Hang on, Mick, 'ow'd you know it's written in bats blood then?" Asked Doc
"Well I don't really but I thought that the dead bat over there with the paint brush stickin' out of it might've been a clue."

They all stepped up to the front door. Grumpy knocked.

"C'mon in." said a creaky voice from inside.
"Okay," said Grumpy, "you 'eard, an’ remember the step."

They all piled in through the door.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGH!" they cried as they fell.

Moments later when they had all recovered from the fall Doc shot to his feet.

"What the place-of-eternal-damnation was that."

There ahead of them stood Agatha.

"What was what?" She asked.
"Well, that!" He replied pointing up the twenty or so feet to the front door. "I was expecting
a...aaaaargggh!!"

The others helped Doc out of the pit he had just fallen in.

"And," he continued, "What was that?"
"Bleedin' Nora," Said Agatha, "There's a big enough sign outside can't you lot read?"
"We saw the sign that said mind the step." said Grumpy.
"Step? Step? It don't say mind the step." Said Agatha agitated." It says mind the STEEP, as in the steep bleedin' drop inside the front door."
"I see," said Grumpy, "but where's the dog?"
"Dog? Dog? I ain't got no dog."
"Well it says on the sign..."
"No it don't. The sign says BEWARE OF THE DUG! As in the hole dug in the floor that yer mate just fell in. I don't know, you put's a sign up to help people an' they don't take a blind bit of notice. I'm just wastin' my time..." Agatha continued mumbling to herself.
"A'wright," started Doc, "why does it say “AGATHA THE WHAT?” on the sign outside?"
"Cos that's me yer daft bugger. It's no good me puttin' somebody elses name on the door or I'd
never get me post now, would I?"
"I meant what's the what?"
"What?"
"Agatha the what?"
"Yes." said Agatha.
"What is the what on the sign?" said Doc gettin' rather frustrated.
"What what?"
"The what after your name."
"Oh I see. You wants to make yerself clearer in future laddy."
"Well?" said Doc still waiting.
"Yes thank you. I get this twinge occasionally but..."
"I meant you still haven't explained the what."
"What?" said Agatha.
"Oh don't start all that again." said Grumpy. "Doc wants to know why you call yerself Agatha the What."
"I see." She leaned over to Grumpy and said quietly behind her hand. "Fella's none to bright is 'e? Can't form a coherent sentence." Agatha eased herself into a nearby chair.
"I'm not allowed to trade under the headin' of Witch cos I failed the entrants exam to the Witches guild so I calls meself a What. Means I wont get sued for false advertisin'. Now that's cleared up what do you want?"

Coming soon, Part Eight (oh my god NO!!! will this madness never end?):
Can Doc calm himself down?
Can they find a cure for Snows problem with consciousness?
Can they find a way to get rid of the prince safely before he attempts to cure something himself?
Can I please hurry up and finish this story as it is now evolved beyond a joke and has now become an obsession?
Can somebody help me please?
I mean it, HELP?
HELP ME (sob)!!
It's never going to end is it?
I'm going to end up writing this bloody thing for the rest of my life because I don't know how it
ends, aren't I?
Somebody answer me please!
It's lonely here...
... and dark.
I think there's rats...

...

what was that noise?
hello?
is there somebody there?
hello...