Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part Five.

Okay here is the story so fa...hang on we've been through this before haven't we. If that bloke is back here again, moaning 'cause he can't follow the story then I'll bloody well...good right then I can carry on with the story.

Titch took The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince back to the cottage and
showed him into the underheight room known as the lounge.

"Who is that?" asked Prince pointing to a strange person standing in the corner of the room.
"Oh, that's a mate of Beakys."
"What is he doing?"

The strange person was of even more undertall proportions than the Seven persons of diminutive stature who owned the building. He stood slowly rocking back and forth on his heels making a quiet clicking sound with his mouth.

"Erm," said Titch, "He works doing time and motion studies for some French underground
transport system. I think Beaky said he was a Metro-Gnome."
"I see." said Prince keeping his distance from the Gnome as he walked past.

Titch lead The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince upstairs to where Snow
lay unconscious.

"Titch your back!" cried out Mick.
"Yes I brought a person of early years with me."
"No Titch I mean there is something on your back." said Mick moving to a safe distance.
"AAARGH! GET IT OFF ME!" screamed Titch.
"Sod that," said Mick, "That thing’s almost as big as Bert the Gnome downstairs."
Prince acted swiftly and drew his sword hacking the Many-Legged-Hairy-Whatsit from Titchs
trembling back.

"There you go Male of Senior Years, all done." said Prince when he had finished.
"Blimey, looks like I picked the right fella fer the job." said Titch as he brushed pieces of mushed thing from his shoulders.

The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince suddenly noticed Snow Various-
Shades-Of-Grey lying in her deep slumber.

"Phwoar get a load of...ahem, I mean, oh dear the poor girl. And when I say poor I mean that in the sense that she is in a sorry predicament and I am in no way casting a slur on her financial
standings." said Prince.
"Quite," said Grumpy stepping into the room, "any ideas as to how we wake 'er up."
"Well, when I spent a few years in India a gentleman of great beyond-retirement-age showed me a trick for curing insomnia."
"Really? What do you do?"
"Well, the man would take a sledge hammer and beat the sufferer over the head repeatedly for two weeks."
"And that worked?"
"Oh yes, in fact they had no trouble ever sleeping again after that. Hmm, come to think of it they never actually woke up after that."
"I see," said Grumpy, "so what we could do is reverse this procedure for insomnia and it might
wake 'er up?"
"I guess it might work." replied Prince. "All you would have to do is not hit her over the head with a sledge hammer and she should wake up."
"Hmm," Grumpy contemplated, "trouble is we've already been doing this since we found 'er and she still aint woke up."
"Strange," said Prince, "but how did you know what the procedure was, have you visited India?"
"I've visited the Taj Mahal take away in the city. They do a good cure fer constipation."

The group of eight men all settled down in the lounge to think of what to do about Snow. Bert the Gnome gently rocked back and forth in the corner, ticking.

"On my travels in China," said Prince sipping a cup of herbal tea, "I met a chap who could cure all sorts of ailments."
"Did any of them seem similar to this?" asked Doc.
"Hmm, I did see him cure a person who couldn't walk once. I guess, as the Princess upstairs can't walk it must be fairly similar."
"Maybe," said Grumpy, "what was the cure?"
"I seem to remember that he cut off the mans legs and taught him to walk on his hands."
"I see."
"Aha, another time there was a person who suffered severe headaches and was cured of them by this Chinaman."
"Yes, what happened?"
"He beheaded the guy."
"I see a pattern emerging hear." said Beaky.
"Yes," said Grumpy, "were there any cures that didn't involve either death or severe mutilation of the patient?"
"Let me think," replied Prince taking another sip of tea, "well, there was one time when a girl was suffering from acute stomach ache."
"And?"
"Well, oh no sorry, that one was quite bad as well. Her stomach stopped aching but it wasn't quite so cute afterwards."
"In that case were stuffed." said Mick.
"I did meet a person of youth deficiency who was gifted in the arts of magic when I visited
Mongolia."
"Okay. Did he cure anybody of anything?"
"Yes."
"Did any of his cures involve killing or maiming?"
"No."
"Okay, fire away." said Grumpy.
"Right, well he cured a great many people of a great many things. As I said he was a powerful
wizard and gained quite a reputation in Mongolia."
"Examples?"
"Once he cured a dead person."
"I'm sorry, did you say dead? What did he cure him of?"
"He cured him of a nasty skin rash."
"And how did he do this?" asked Grumpy rolling his eyes.
"It was very ingenious really. He buried the corpse for a month and when the body was dug up,
SHAZAM! As if by magic the skin rash had disappeared."
"Incredible." said Grumpy looking unimpressed.
"Wow you sure have met some clever people on yer travels." said Dozy, still groggy after his
sudden sleep the day before.

Grumpy was looking around his chair for a shovel but couldn't find one.

"Well yes," said Prince, "they are pretty spectacular stories. This Wizard chappy was by far the best. One time he turned this evil (or possibly misunderstood) wizard into a toad."

Grumpy seemed more impressed this time.

"How'd 'e do that then?" He asked.
"I don't know the exact method involved in it. After all this magic business takes many years of
training. What happened was this wizard, the misunderstood one, turned up at his house. The two wizards were heard to be arguing quite loudly, then there was this loud crashing and thudding noise and all was quiet."
"What happened then?" The Seven diminutive men were all on the edges of their respective seats and Bert had stopped ticking.
"It was very mysterious. My wizard friend was seen leaving his cottage that night with a large
heavy rolled up carpet which he took and dropped into the bottomless pit at the centre of the
village. Then, later that night he was observed in the fields behind his cottage searching through the grass carrying a empty jar. The following day everybody in the village gathered round the wizards cottage. He opened the door holding in front of him a jar containing a toad. He told everyone that the toad was in fact the misunderstood wizard who had visited him the previous day and that there was no need to search for a body wrapped in carpet. Amazing huh?"
"Right that's it. Where's me shovel?" shouted Grumpy leaping to his feet.
Bert went back to ticking, only slightly faster than before. Dozy fell off his chair.
"Wow wizards is cool." He said climbing back into the chair.
"We're still back where we started. Only now we've got a gullible Prince to look after as well." said Grumpy still searching for a shovel.

"I still say I can suck the poison out of 'er." stated Titch, starting to foam at the mouth.
"Did 'e teach you 'ow to turn peoples into toads?" asked Dozy.
"Tick, Tick, Tick," said Bert.
"Beaky will you get that Gnome of yours to shut up." shouted Grumpy.
"It'd only take a quick suck, I'll brush me teeth first."
"Ahh, hear it is." said Grumpy finding his shovel. "Right, now who wants some of this then?" he raised his shovel.

Everyone stared at him.

"No, good, then everyone shut up." He sat down, took a good long swig of tea and put the shovel down within easy reach. "We still don't have a solution to Snows problem. In fact we seem to be gaining problems faster than we're solving 'em. Do we have any sensible ideas? No not you Dozy."

Titch raised his hand slowly.

"Any ideas that don't involve sucking."

Titch lowered his hand slowly.

"Can't we sell her body to science?" asked Doc.
"No!"
"We could try kissing her." suggested Prince.
"I beg your pardon? This isn't some sort of bizarre cure from some foreign country is it?"

Titch raised his hand slowly again.

"No you're not." said Grumpy.

Titch slowly lowered his hand again and wiped the froth from his mouth.

"Sorry, It was just an idea." said The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince.

Suddenly there was a thud from upstairs and a female voice cried out.

"Ouch, that was some party, I don't even remember getting into bed."

To (still) be continued...

Was this episode just a complete waist of time?
Was the shovel hidden for a reason? (Nothing else has happened for a reason in this story so it's unlikely).
Was Bert getting dizzy swinging back and forth like that?
Was The-Ruler-In-line-For-The-Throne-formerly-known-as-Prince really that gullible?
Was part five better than part four?
Was part three better?
Was this part of the story just a filler because I am running out of ideas?