Yes, like a phoenix from the ashes, like a bad penny, like something else that comes back when you didn't want it to, my BLOG has returned from the depths of... the deep.

I have recently been persuaded by an insane fool (mentioning no Nickillus... oops) to post this complete load of old nonsense here for all to avoid see. The following ridiculous tale was written over many wasted hours, many years ago, as a series of emails to another lunatic (not Nickillus this time, yes there is more than one lunatic around). I have finally decided to serialise this collection of rancid ramblings in exactly several parts, starting with... part one. So here is the politically correct version of Snow White...

WARNING: THE FOLLOWING STORY MAY CONTAIN BAD PUNS, POOR WRITING, AND INSANE GIBBERING... MAY ALSO CONTAIN NUTS.

Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of diminutive
stature. Part One.

Once upon a time in a Multi-cultural society far, far away, there stood a castle. The castle belonged to the King and ruler of female gender (both of which were democratically elected to office by the populace, who were all treated fairly as equals). The King and his wife had a child, an attractive young lady whose weight fluctuated between slender and full bodied. The young lady was named Snow Various-shades-of-grey. The Family lived happily for many years with both parents enjoying professional careers and bringing up their child in a stable loving home environment. Sadly the female partner in this marriage was diagnosed with a crippling generic disease of unknown origin and passed away quietly. The King and his daughter, Snow Various-shades-of-grey, were given bereavement counselling and eventually came to accept the ongoing-non-living-situation suffered by the late person of female gender.

Two years after the sad event the King met and fell in love with another female person and married her (not that there is in any way anything wrong with a single parent family, many of whom were perfectly acceptable in the society and not treated like scum-of-the-earth scroungers who corrupt the minds of their young and add to the growing delinquency problems and crime statistics. No sir, not at all, no way! ahem!).

Unbeknown to the King and his well adjusted daughter, Elvira, the Kings new wife, was pure evil (but of course children that doesn't mean that she was all bad, as you know some people are often misunderstood by those around them despite their good, or evil, intentions and everyone deserves a chance to prove themselves). Elvira was already plotting to remove Snow Various-shades-of-grey from the picture as she was jealous of the attention received by the young princess.

One day Elvira called a Huntsperson (who only hunted dead animals as living creatures have just as much right to life as us humans) to her office.

"Huntsperson, I would like very much for you to take my step-daughter, Snow Various-shades-ofgrey, out to the woods and kill her, if that wouldn't be too much trouble".
"Um!" said the Huntsperson.
"I'll pay yer loadsa dosh!"
"Deal", said the Huntsperson.
"Just one more thing", said Elvira, "I want you to bring back her heart as proof of the deed", and with that she gave a deep maniacal laugh.

The following day, bright and early, the Huntsperson took Snow Various-shades-of-grey out deep into the woods. Snow was enjoying her trip greatly, picking non-endangered species of flower, watching birds and deer, picking up litter left by anti-social litter louts. All the time, the
Huntsperson was waiting for the right moment to commit the dastardly crime of murder (yes
MURDER, for there is no other word for this despicable act, erm except maybe homicide, and er killing and... anyway).

"I'm just going for a pony behind that tree" said Snow to the Huntsperson.
"Right you are missy" replied the Huntsperson realising this was his/her chance.
Snow wandered off behind the big oak and the Huntsperson prepared him/herself. He/she removed a freshly sharpened dagger from his/her cloak and crept silently toward the tree (gasp!). Snow Various-shades-of-grey just finished off behind the great oak when a dark shadow fell over her (eek!). It was the Huntsperson raising the dagger above his/her head (wheeze!) (er sorry all this excitement has left me breathless). He paused, looking into her wide, yet average eyes.

"Bugger," said the Huntsperson, "I can't do it even fer a shitload o'cash".
"w...ww...what were y...yer...you going to do?" verbally challenged the young girl.
"Your step mother, the ruler of female gender, hired me to kill you. But, seeing you cower before me like an ickle tiny fluffy cweature of the fowest I cannot do it. Sod it, an' I could've bought that new laser sighted crossbow with the engraved stock that I've been after". He/she helped the girl to her feet. "You best run girlie - not that I use the word in a derogatory or defamatory manner but purely as a figure of speech you understand. Er, and when I ask if you understand that doesn't mean I am casting aspersions upon your character or your intelligence, but with you being a young girl an' all I..."

Snow had run off.

Coming soon to a screen near you: Snow Various-shades-of-grey and the Seven persons of
diminutive stature. Part Two.

Will Snow get away from the evil (or just misunderstood) Elvira?
Will the Huntsperson ever get his/her laser sighted crossbow?
Will the King realise what's going on?
Will this e-mail ever end?
Will iam is a boys name!

(if you thought that was bad just wait until you see part two)